is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
