I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
