ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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