Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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