Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
we're so committed to being not committed
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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