Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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