As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
