The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
