It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
organizing the empties. That sober.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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