Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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