this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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