fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
