so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
