he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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