I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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