I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
