Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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