3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
