I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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