I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize