I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize