nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I didn't notice because vodka
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
