Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
