I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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