If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
