just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
