I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize