my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
