I just pynch a tree in the face
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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