Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize