if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
