if you like me you must not know who I am
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
