I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
