I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
True strength comes from lack of pants
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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