There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
