Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
