so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
