if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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