The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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