I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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