The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
