True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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