hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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