he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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