I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
