Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
