I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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