HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
