Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
