I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
