sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
