Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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