god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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