Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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