I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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