I'm so fucking centered right now
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
