I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
