pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize