We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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