why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
