i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
